Anecdote and Analysis: A Discussion on Societal Expectations That Shape How Women Communicate Personally and Professionally

...and worksheets

Marissa Civic, PhD

Mar 21, 2025

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Introduction

Throughout my time in STEM, I’ve noticed that women often communicate differently than men, frequently using hedging language like "I think" or "I believe" and feeling the need to justify our points. While these differences aren’t inherently flawed, they can influence how we’re perceived and how our ideas are valued. These patterns stem from societal expectations, and our responses to them can reinforce biases, creating inequities in how ideas are received. Recognizing these biases is the first step toward fostering a more inclusive environment where all voices are equally heard and respected.

In the following sections, I’ll explore how balancing societal expectations and bias in male-dominated workplaces affects the way we, as women in STEM, are evaluated and viewed by peers and colleagues. Drawing from a personal anecdote and advice I’ve received throughout my career, I’ll reflect on a situation where bias affected feedback I was given and highlighted limitations I face as a woman in STEM. I’ll also discuss how we can better navigate differences in speaking styles, particularly when it comes to women, and how to create a more respectful and inclusive environment for all communication styles. Next, I’ll dive into practical ways we can move towards a more respectful workplace. The goal is to foster an atmosphere where everyone feels empowered to speak with authority, without fear of being doubted or dismissed based on how they present their ideas. Finally, I have a note for allies of women in STEM who strive to support and respect women every day.

A Personal Anecdote

I want to start with a personal experience that shaped my confidence for a significant amount of time. Early in my time in academia, I gave a strong research talk that I delivered with cautious confidence. The talk was well-received, and I was given positive feedback. At the conclusion of the talk, I answered questions from established scientists. I enthusiastically welcomed questions, actively listened, and nodded to show my excitement and engagement. After the talk, I sought out my mentor at the time to ask for feedback on the talk, the questions, etc. Paraphrasing, he told me that it was alright, but I “do this thing” where I nod vigorously when someone is asking a question. He demonstrated nodding vigorously, mimicking my actions and words. His point was this effectively interrupts the speaker, resulting in a premature answer incorrectly addressing the question. “You need to think before you talk” he had said. I respectfully thanked him for the feedback but felt humiliated. I had been reduced to a bobblehead…nodding mindlessly without thinking carefully before speaking.

I left that conversation feeling misinterpreted. I had thought carefully prior to answering the question and felt my response was adequate and well-received by the questioner. My talk was strong, my research had merit, but what stuck with me was the critique on my personal communication style. Constructive criticism and opportunity for intellectual discussion was lost in a misunderstanding of my communication and what felt like a demeaning demonstration of my gestures. The nodding, the eagerness to engage; these were qualities I had always considered signs of attentiveness and confidence. Yet, in the context of this feedback, it was framed as a sign of insecurity or lack of control, as though my enthusiasm was something that needed correction. It had somehow implied I do not “think before I speak”.

Later that week, a colleague told me what the questioner had said - the one who had triggered my mentor’s feedback. He told his colleagues that my talk was “exemplary”. This came as a surprise. While I was fixating over one small critique, others saw my presentation as a standard to follow.

While the feedback I received had some constructive elements, it represented just one perspective: one with implicit bias. My own insecurities, fueled by perfectionism, led me to overlook the broader context in which my work was received. This experience highlighted how our internal dialogue, especially as women, can sometimes be even more critical than some of the external feedback we receive. Implicit bias affects how women in STEM are perceived, especially when it targets mannerisms and gestures shaped by societal expectations.

Societal Expectations for Women

Society sets the tone for females before they are born. Whether it’s as simple as pink gender reveals, dolls for girls, or vibrantly pink and purple “girl” STEM toys or a systemic issue such as teachers favoring boys for opportunities in STEM over girls, consequences due to extended maternity leave, or the sheer denial that sexism women experience is “real”, women face consistent challenges, stereotypes, and judgement. External influences affect our internal perspective and how we think, act, and portray ourselves in different environments, and these expectations can vary based on race, ethnicity, or other identities.

If we analyze the anecdote I provided above, we can explore how societal and professional expectations impacted my perspective and internal dialogue. My confidence and efforts were greatly impacted by criticism of what I felt was part of my personality and character. Clearly, delivery impacted my response as well, but I want to isolate the component relating to societal expectations and zoom in to reflect and interpret. Growing up, I was raised in an environment where I was respected for who I was and how I spoke. I went to a female-dominated undergraduate college, where my enthusiasm and approach to research and communication were respected and acknowledged. In graduate school and during my professorship, I transitioned to heavily male-dominated programs. While the increase in professionalism is expected as one progresses in their education and career, the drastic differences of a male-dominated vs. a female-dominated environment required a substantial adjustment on my part.

We have to fit a male-shaped mold to be respected. Can we be respected if we never will, or should never have to, fit that mold?

No longer were my enthusiasm or my delivery valued. Instead, they were viewed as weak, unprofessional, or immature. I often wondered why colleagues or superiors appeared annoyed or frustrated by my enthusiasm; I used to tell myself they missed the times when they were still enthusiastic. Reflecting now, it is more likely tied to the lack of respect towards any sign of gestures or speaking styles that tend to be associated more commonly with women. I had to adapt to a new way of communicating, new priorities, and try to balance male and female biases towards women with my own professional growth and success. The personal anecdote I shared reflects the realization of this transition period. A figure of authority, who I respected as a professional, gave feedback on my personality, my presentation style, my approach to asking questions. When I asked for feedback, I had expected an intellectual engagement on my research and technical feedback on the presentation. Instead, I was met with societal and professional expectations for women in STEM. We have to fit a male-shaped mold to be respected. Can we be respected if we never will, or should never have to, fit that mold?

In STEM, the professional environment introduces new, and sometimes unique, challenges for women. Managing perception in a male-dominated field is conflicting when females are often shaped by feminine stereotypes encountered throughout their lives and growth. Balancing who we are as women and professionals with both societal and professional expectations affects how we present ourselves in different environments. Research has shown even simple introductions can be influenced by the presence of males vs. females.1 Unfortunately, these adaptations may be for naught, as research has additionally shown professional bias towards women and how they present themselves in STEM originates from both men and women.2

The challenges women in STEM face are real, frequent, and come from multiple sources. Balancing these professional challenges with personal ambitions and struggles creates a complicated and stressful scenario for any woman to navigate. As a chemist working in a highly male-dominated field, I’ve faced these challenges firsthand and observed them in my students. Many of these challenges stem from a lack of respect for women and implicit bias against “feminine” traits and mannerisms. This is why the anecdote I provided has been impactful during my self-reflection. That feedback represented an inherent limitation; no matter how strong my technical skills, my research, my knowledge, my mannerisms could sink my ship. They could influence or limit my abilities to negotiate, receive fair pay, or compete for grants and promotions. Recent data collected by National Association of Colleges and Employers from the Class of 2023 highlights the persistent pay gap faced by women. On average, female graduates earned a starting salary of $59,778, significantly less than the $72,190 earned by their male counterparts.3 This disparity underscores the impact of bias, which can affect not only perceptions of competence but also tangible outcomes like compensation.

NACE Data on Mean Earnings (bachelor’s degree, 2023):

Starting Salary:
- Male: $72,190
- Female: $59,778
- Difference: $12,412
Bonus:
- Male: $14,189
- Female: $9,400
- Difference: $4,789

This experience is one of many in which feedback on my intellectual competence was sidelined for that of a personal nature or “correction” of soft skills. My experience is notable in that I had the opportunity to witness many students and faculty present in various settings. I have consistently observed women getting feedback on soft skills, presentation style, and other minutia versus males getting valuable research feedback and intellectual discussion regarding their work. It's important to recognize that this type of bias also impacts people of color, both men and women, often in similar ways. Bias such as this, whether intentional or implicit, limits women in STEM. We need change.

So how do we, as men, women, and people change the professional environment to be more accepting and respectful of women? Well, it’s not a simple task. We can start with ourselves, however, and self-reflect and evaluate the ways we interact with others. In addition, we can work to develop materials and protocols for feedback and other topics that need improvement, and integrate professional mentorship. Experiences need to be shared as well, so we can adapt our teaching styles to incorporate change and awareness.

A Note for Allies of Women in STEM

I do want to talk a bit about allies to women in STEM and women in general. During my education and in my current professional and personal life, I have had strong male mentors who both respected me and valued my contributions to STEM. There are allies and men and women that respect women in STEM. Even those colleagues with implicit bias do not always intentionally show sexism or a lack of respect. I won't thank allies for respect and support, as that is a basic human right. I will say thank you for joining us in facing adversity, especially in the current climate where supporting women or DEI initiatives can mean loss of grants or other opportunities.

That said, how can allies make a difference in day-to-day interactions with female colleagues, direct reports, and students? I'd love to hear your comments on this. When was a time when an ally showed you much needed support? What was something an ally did or said that left a positive impression on your education, career, or day?

The most substantial effort any ally can make is self-reflection, in my opinion. Self-reflection allows for growth. Listen to feedback from women, show respect, communicate respectfully, and be open to change.

Practical Approaches to Moving Towards Change

Individual Actions: Change often starts from within, as implicit bias can play a major role in the workplace or personal environment. Are we showing bias when we give feedback? Do we make assumptions about people rooted in our own bias? Do we perpetuate gender stereotypes in our children or others’ children?

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of self-reflection. Self-reflection offers an opportunity for us to not only improve communication skills, but also positively impact how we consider external feedback. Periodically, if not daily, it is important to think about daily events and the impressions we’ve had on others. How we interact, responses to our interactions, all hold valuable clues as to how we impact the people and systems around us. In positions of leadership, the environment we’ve created, the dynamics of our reports, or even how our children treat others are lessons in our capability to make positive change.

I challenge you to reflect on a moment when you felt you made someone uncomfortable. Why? What happened? What was your dynamic versus theirs? Did you perhaps overstep? Did they misinterpret you? Was implicit bias at play? Did you address your wrongdoing or correct the misinterpretation? Or perhaps you apologized? How would you treat the situation now versus then? These are some great questions to ask when reflecting. I have included a link at the end of the article to a self-reflection exercise that explores some topics and questions that promote growth.

Organizational Actions: Organizations have a fundamental responsibility to create equitable and inclusive environments for all employees. There are many direct actions one can take to make change and reduce bias in the workplace on an organizational scale. Serving on committees supporting DEI, joining mentor groups, developing outreach for disadvantaged students, are just a few of the ways we can actively participate in moving towards change. If these programs or opportunities don’t exist, then educating oneself in the organization and policies, protocol, and initiatives, one can put oneself in a position to promote change. Seeking resources, data, and examples from other organizations that have implemented an environment of respect, support, and DEI initiatives can be a helpful way to inform oneself on how to improve individually, their team, or set the tone in their workplace.

Actions for Allies: Similar to the previous actions, self-reflect, seek outreach or mentoring opportunities, educate oneself, and promote DEI initiatives where you can. Educating yourself, your reports, your children, and leading by example amongst your friends and colleagues can impact multiple environments in a positive way. Share reliable resources on social media, or discuss with friends, that include updated metrics and statistics on issues women or other minorities face day-to-day. Promote your child’s interests rather than the interests society tells them they should follow. Be a good person. Be supportive. Most importantly, keep being an ally. You are needed and your impact, whether on one person or many, is valuable and an important piece of a much bigger picture.

Bystander Response: Bystander intervention is any action taken by a person who witnesses injustice or discrimination towards another with the goal of stopping or disrupting the harmful behavior. As a bystander, you have the opportunity to make a positive impact. While bystander intervention can be challenging, there are many strategies you can use. Direct intervention involves speaking up in the moment to challenge biased remarks or behavior. Distraction can be used to interrupt the incident, such as changing the subject or creating a diversion. Delegation involves seeking help from a supervisor, HR, or other authority figure. Even if you can't intervene in the moment, you can offer support to the person who was targeted afterward. It's important to choose the strategy that feels safest and most appropriate for the situation.

Try to think of the goal, the outcome, and steer discussions away from bias in moments where you must be political or are not in a position of leadership. Then consider documenting the case with a time stamp and if the situation escalates or directly impacts your job or that of others, seek resources to report the situation. And as always, lead by example and create an environment that fosters respect.

Conclusions and Final Thoughts

We have covered a number of topics today that relate to the general concept that societal expectations impact the way women present ideas and communicate directly limiting professional growth due to implicit or direct bias. Sexism in the workplace is far more prevalent than most realize, and this an important topic to discuss. With a personal anecdote, I have provided not only an example of bias, but also a strong method for self-analysis and reflection. I encourage you as the reader to share this article where you feel it would impact individuals or environments, or share the sentiment and have a conversation with people in your personal and professional life. In addition, consider self-reflecting today and utilizing the tools provided below, or share the tools with your classroom, kids, or colleagues. For further discussion, consider leaving a comment, contacting me directly by sending a message, or subscribing to receive future works from The Missing Syllabus directly to your inbox.

Thanks for reading. Subscribe and stay tuned for what’s next. Please check out the downloadable activities and presentation feedback worksheets below, which are great for educators, parents, or individuals interested in thinking a bit about how to reword phrasing to sound more confident or encouraging unbiased feedback on research presentations.

Downloadable Activity: Rewrite with Confidence Worksheet
Research Presentation Feedback Worksheet
Self-Reflection Exercise: Building Confidence and Awareness

The Missing Syllabus